The Quarter Life Journal: Crossroads

i do not have any regrets with regards to my decisions, but i try to look back and think of the what if's in life. im not sure if ive written something similar to this one before, but then i just had this urge to open another part of my life where i begin to look at life and think, at what part of my life am i right now?

it was Michael Clayton's fault, and that contestant for that show called "Wowowee".

talk about lawyers.

now Michael Clayton is not the best in his field, he is not the most admirable bloke in town, yet it made me think again coz i was looking at a "lawyer" movie. it was the bad, the ugly, the dirty, and the good of being a lawyer, and somehow, it still made me think. i love watching movies with lawyers as they challenge me as much as they challenge the character. it makes me get excited with how the works are, and i am still the giddy kid that i saw myself around 10 years ago maybe, or even more. why? it was Susan Sarandon and a cute kid called Brad Renfro (RIP) who made me giddy at being a lawyer, "The Client", and since then i was in the quest and determination to be that person. from movies, to novels (John Grisham is not my favorite but there are the likes of Perri O'Shaughnessy and Brad Meltzer), to watching TV shows, to reading the Lawyers Journal in the Philippines, to watching the 2000 Impeachment Proceedings that made the whole Philippines stop and ponder and be amazed at lawyers. all these, i ingested into my system. but there was a problem. lets move back a couple of words... the words "2000 Impeachment Proceedings". thats where it starts where things get a little complicated.

now as much as i was a hopeful lawyer, i was a hopeful citizen of the Philippines. the word there was "change" and "justice" may be the second overarching theme. truth be told in my life, i was exercising the power to change and justice became secondary. i was becoming engrossed into the politics of the whole scene than being the hopeful lawyer who weighs things according to the precepts of the law. it was, in some ways, messed up. (maybe). so i got involved into the walks of the political rather than going to where a Juris Doctor degree was.

but it wasnt apparent in my life until i was near graduating from Political Science. because of sheer laziness in some part of my life, i graduated later than my batchmates (one term late). this one term made me impatient to know where i am headed. without anyone to challenge you into going for the law school entrance exams, without classmates to read books with and do a group study with, i was like left to decide about myself, and my decision was... I dont want to take any law school examinations when i am not confident to do so, because if i fail the test, that is the last one for me. in this statement, it is apparent that i am pessimistic and that i had a low confidence level and that i have too much expectations of myself. one of the other things is the statement is that, if i fail an entrance test, there is a second and third try... other words... its not the end of the world.

but i felt like, make it now or just scram.

i did scram.

and i was a pol sci graduate in the Philippines who did not like to go into Civil Service. haha! dont ask why. and the rest as they say is history.

now what is the connection with "Wowowee"? there was this contestant earlier who was asked by the host why he wanted to be a lawyer in the future? Him, a 15 year old guy who joined a contest to earn five thousand pesos to get some savings even just a bit or what and who surely come from a family who will be needing financial help, answers the ideal answer, "to defend someone who is persecuted but shouldnt be one. defend the falsely accused."

ideal. someone who have mimicked my voice around 10 years ago.

and now, i heard myself saying... too ideal! it doesnt exist in the real world. how will you know?

and i am not sure now if i still know myself or maybe i just got realistic and matured. or maybe... i am a pessimist.