I Sing and Pray to the Lord

I dont do this often (neither i think have i done this before), but something triggered me to write down something about my reflections from today's mass. i dunno if it was because i was standing up alone, and feeling some community around me, or is it the fact that after missing last Sunday (an important Church day supposedly), i felt guilty and now, im deep in reflection. there are many factors maybe, but its quite un-answerable, thus i would not want to delve into thinking what the factors are.

Today's Gospel talked about "Doubting" Thomas. In the priest's homily, he talked about to not be negative about Thomas doubting his belief in Jesus. that Jesus ressurected and all, and then showing up to the disciples that He is alive. he explains that to defend Thomas, he might be thinking that the Lord would not want to go back to the company of his disciples, for they were the same ones who left Him at His time of death (ie, Peter's denial). With this in mind, we see the side of Jesus as a forgiving Brother. He is forgiving them (the discpiles) for all their fears and mistakes.

We too, as followers of Christ, sometimes come up with being like Thomas. Doubting, asking questions. Either we doubt like him by asking "Is Jesus real?" However, we also may be defended as doubting if we are still to be accepted because of all our sins. (Of course, in my view, using the word "defend" should not be applicable, but I would say for this time that the usage is for the lack of a better word for it.) Though in answering the fact of followers doubting, I go back to something that Mr. Tom Corcoran (the Asst to the Pastor/ Parish Priest) said in his AVP shown today. The Head of the Family (which are the fathers or the male figure), have fears going through their head. Fear of being worth it or unworthy when they do something. With this, this is what I think we have ended up to being. A doubter if we are worthy of being a follower of Christ again. A doubter fearing if we are worthy of Christ's forgiveness.

"The Lord's mercy is as vast as the ocean." this is comforting to hear. but I for one am still a doubter. the Lord will always forgive me of my sins, but I do not find comfort in hearing that. Flip side, it bugs me. AM I WORTHY TO BE FORGIVEN FROM MY SINS? am i worthy to go into confession, get my absolution, and then find/ catch myself doing the same thing again that i asked for forgiveness from? in other readings, we will find that the Lord would favor abstinence from sins, and that means we should be mindful of our actions.

(WARNING: Dont do this if you dont believe in this.)
When you are young, you follow what everyone wants, what everyone does. You go to confession, say your sins, ask for forgiveness, get your absolution, and do your penance. Then you realize on your next trip to the confessional that 3 out of 5 are the same things that you said before (say you asked forgiveness for telling that lie against your enemy, but when you went back for confession, you realize that #1 you made another lie, #2 she is still your enemy) As I grew old, I realized that there is more to having a good relationship with the Lord, part of it is the realization that confessing your sins means that you are really sorry for your sins. Because of this, I really delve into deep thinking what I am sorry of and see to it that there is more after apologizing for my sins... it is the fact that when I said sorry, it means I shall not do it again. Not that I am a better person now, but with what i remember from my last confession, I have not repeated any of the offenses I made, and see to it that I keep my temper (among other things that I was apologizing for). I've realized that to be worth the Lord's forgiveness, I should continually do my part in fulfilling it, and not always find comfort in just knowing that I can exist being a habitual sinner (for the lack of term for it).

***I remember that Buffy episode that the Seed played last night. Drusilla being in a confessional, asking AGAIN for forgiveness for killing people because she's a vamp. Habitual Sinner.***