eeep!!

***on that person***
my friend karen and I were having this conversation yesterday using our YMs about my rants on that person's blog. karen, and some of my other friends are used to me always ranting about That Person eversince, what? 10 years ago? and all the time ive gotten the same reaction from them. i can have the loose screws on this person and it sucks that i guess i have the slightest affection for that person still. though at this moment when college life has changd me alot, it gives me the creeps to say about the affection thing.

then i realized something. i have never gotten over anybody. and the list just keeps going. though while i was talking to my friend, she asked me the same question, and i told her, its an impossible thing to keep on holding on to that person. it is an impossible reality. if that person would not kill me, then we could be friends, but other than that, i think we have grown out of our foolish and silly stuff from the past. i wasnt denying, that is for sure. as i know that whatever me and that person had, however vague it was (or even whatever that is), it was completely out for the books.

***on another person***
then i was on the midst of a meshed up brain. but this time another friend YMed me and listened to me whine. allan listened to my messed up details on how things are screwing my brains out. how the love story aspect is maybe up for a storybook romance, rather than seeing it live. darn! and as i was talking to him, i left some details out, as i know he wouldnt understand some of it, or why i even thought about that. i mean its not an imaginative story line, but it was fact from my POV, and things were kindda getting complicated to explain. but thanks to him, i had a different voice that i heard. i heard it from a guy's side.

then on the same topic, there goes my bestfriend. up until awhile ago i was still whining to her. though less considering i am not feeling well, i was just a little too complicated with all these things. i feel like im in a drunken state, coz im uncoordinated, defenses low, and inconsistent. was my statements so inconsistent! when less than 24 hours i declared that i would just like to forget it (which i obviously cannot), now i say that hey! i think i do care, and i do like him. (which i refuted yesterday, the other week, the other month, the other time, the other year, wait till tomorrow comes and hear what i say?). i keep on going into this wavy declarations, just because i think about it alot, and it really sucks actually to always even think about it. but the problem is when you cannot forget, or you cannot push it aside. that is where you fall back into the pit. thats when you say, argh! i wish ive not felt this way, then later you realize that being human means to love (and be angry), to live is to love (and to lose).

***to sum it all up***

love...i think this is why ive been getting endless headaches. screw!