Must've Done Something Right

Whenever you feel exhausted, you look back and think why you're doing things in that manner. Giving all your time, hard work, passion, energy-- you stop and think why put in all these effort. For what cause? For what purpose? For whose benefit do I do this for?

I'm in the world of public service and there is much expected of public servants. There are times that it breaks my heart when I on my capacity cannot comply on requests or anything like so. For example, in our everyday work, we encounter people who would ask for assistance for their medical needs and everyday living. You wonder sometimes why they ask for subsistence when they have able bodies that can contribute to the society and economy. Work in layman's term, is something that they can do to be able to make ends meet. Yet you begin to wonder, but the question in these people's minds might be also, can they get me a job which can provide for me and my family? I hope I have that ability.


Then there are the opportunists. People who try to have their whole lives and family depend on you (and other political offices for this case in my thoughts.) I had a message sent to my office email loop several weeks ago, ranting about a family who for our concern in this office, have depended the education and every trying sustenance of their family in our office and still want to exhaust us dry. Not that we have extended a six figure amount to this family, but a four figure value for education have been extended and there are others that we have to extend our hand to also. If advocacy will be our basis, I cannot even say that the course of the child is within our advocacy even. Hotel and Restaurant Management is not up our ante. AGHAM is Filipino for Science, but still we extended our hands because we didnt want a child to stop education especially when its her senior year in school.


Then there are those whose little gestures warm your heart so much.


One of our scholars for this Second Semester went back to our office and shared with us a couple of books as a thank you gesture for including her in our educational assistance program. She and her father thanked us a lot and wished us God's blessings in our everyday lives.


Requests are common in our office and we try to extend to some of them. A High School student whose mother sent us a request letter for her daughter's participation in an international competition. I took the letter and kept it with me for two weeks until after the Christmas holiday I took it out again and told the mother that she can pick up her request after the New Years. It has been a week and the holiday course got to me and made me forget a bit that I asked her to come by when office resumed. So when she came by I just took out a couple of what was left in the office budget and handed it over to the mom. It wasn't much, just a four figure amount that turns to two figures when you convert it to US dollars.


Three weeks ago, my office mate sent an email for a draft resolution commending students who won an international competition. We'd like to appreciate the representation that they did and the performance that they showed in the competition. Then I encountered one of the top medalists names. My short term memory forgot the first name of the child we helped but I said the last name sounded familiar. To make matters a little off, there was another child in the winners list who had a similar last name.


Yesterday the student dropped by. I never met the kid since it was her mother who went to our office before. She handed me a letter for my boss. After she left I opened the envelope and browsed through the letter. There I knew that she was the student we extended help to, and there I knew that she will be one of the recipients of the commendation we drafted.


In the letter she thanked my boss for extending help when they needed it most. It was a great experience to join a math competition and was extra sweet that she together with other students won the competition. As I read more of it, I cant help but feel warmed by this. The little things that you do for others can contribute greatly to some people.


As I think about her and all the other kids who we've helped, and all the other people we've extended our time, effort, thoughts, money and support to, I cannot help but appreciate the job I go to everyday. I entered  government service for the love/ appreciation of politics (as seen in my educational background) but once youre in it, you realize that there are deeper reasons to it. PUBLIC SERVICE... you appreciate it and it also can make you frustrated. The softy in me has that tendency to want to continue extending her hand to everyone who deserves it and feel the frustration when they start crying or getting mad at you because you cannot extend anymore. Because your well of opportunity only holds as much as it can handle at a given time. But this is where you get to toughen up also, discerning may be the better word for it, because there are people who take the opportunity to dry the well and still forget that they should be thankful for the little or big things that you've done for them.


I hope there is balance in life, truly, but when the opportunists of this world of public service tries to frustrate me, I will try to think of the ones whose lives we've touched and think of their little gestures that have made a big impact in my life, in our lives, and in how we continue to do this service.


We must've done something right to deserve the movers in our lives and in our hearts.

the year is near to a close

 its a week before Christmas and this is the time when we are all rushing to get our Christmas list done. unfortunately for me, I havent started one yet. I have gift ideas but I cannot figure out which to really give. I'd love to give everyone gifts but since getting my first paycheck, ive been saving for the rainy day, or in this case, im saving for 2012.

no, im not getting married.

im trying to save for another set of tuition and fees, thanks to graduate studies. this will be for real graduate studies. i still have to decide between law school or a masters course in either governance or politics, well those are all the options i have, and it is tough to think of. there are the career options open for either courses and the likelihood that i'll stick to what i really want. REALLY WANT is a debate right now as to WHAT THEY WANT. good to really ponder on for a long time.

so in the spirit of off-season (no work), i am given the chance to think of my future as a student again. as long as by this time next year, i should have taken entrance tests already, and that civil service exam by summer. oh, need to hit those books again i guess....

The Time That Has Passed Is Yet to be Revisited

 It hasn't been revisited.

Nah! I'm not really sure, but I think the least that I can do to not be fully indebted with my blog is just give ti a little time and write something on it. I've missed blogging for a long time, yet the lack of substance has offered me no choice but to avoid blogging until further notice.

And notice the use of the words "lack of substance", I am partly talking about mojitos and margaritas there.

My months have revolved from being self-centered to all-centered. I've been a human for everyone. Who knew it was a big responsibility? I'm not superwoman (oh no way!), but I've been much responsible for a lot of things than I could've imagined almost a year ago.

It's tough but I'm having quite some fun.

But you do realize that you want to turn back the clock and pick out the decision apart from what you've decided on. You start asking the different "what if's" and ask yourself, "would I have been better off that way?"

I never questioned my decisions, and I am happy to have decided the way I did and be on the shoes I'm wearing now. Yet there are times when you feel that there are gaps in your life that a professional career hasn't filled yet. There are questions in life yet to be answered, and there are places yet to be discovered.

At times I think I've made the wrong decision because I've given up on the me-centered life. In the midst of a hustle, its always nice to get back to having a quite fun loving life, a carefree life.

Yet I cannot live the always me-centered life. For one, its expensive and you need to live for the next day as well. Second, there's a need to grow up, and growing up involves leaving yourself and thinking about other people as well.

At present, I like the busy life. I get to spend time not thinking about me and just do what I have to do. Robots are designed that way, be busy. It's good sometimes because you get to make use of your youth at the service of others. You think of what you have to do the next day, and the next, and the following day. You think of it as not JUST the next day, but you get CHALLENGED that it is the next day.

sleep

 its 530pm on a Monday and I realized that I slept most of the day. i know i fell asleep at around 12 midnight last night after sipping some wine from the work party, then came home to drink my usual vitamins and then added the antihistamine. then i realized it was 9am. But that didnt stop there, coz next i realized it was 10am. wow! how did that happen? guess i fell asleep again. between 10 to 1045 i still had naps, until my mom called me and told me she was going to my grandma's. i didnt go with her but that was a cue that i have to wake up too. so some things in between (ie: check emails, watch TV, read tweets, post tweets, shower), at 12nn i was out of the door to the mall across my building to eat lunch. i felt like having spaghetti, due mainly to me celebrating my Uncle's birthday (noodles for long life they say), then I ate, met up with my mom for a bit, she had me run some errands for her, then I got a huge cup of coffee (thanks CBTL), then I was back inside my pad at 230pm.

then by 3pm, I was sleeping again and just woke up not too long ago.

right now, i feel like i just carried a luggage on my eyes. i still cant open it properly. this feeling cant absolutely be right. it feels really weird. I've never felt like a log in my whole life until now. a worthless log even. i guess im thankful that today our group didnt have an office yet or else i would've started my day way early. at least right now i can take a break, sleep, and do my homeworks when my stubborn eyes have cooperated with me. but it doesnt say that i dont feel like sh*t coz of this. when these things happen, u just feel like uve lost a chunk of ur life and unable to get it back.

or maybe to compensate for lost hours, i gotta stay awake the whole night. lets see how that goes then.

Writing

I've been wanting to write coz I surely miss it, yet what can I write about?

Honestly, I have three drafts and maybe a dozen other things to write about. My aim was to put up another blog site just to detail my rants and cheers to the Orioles but that never progressed due to (gasp!) lack of time. Yes, as much as I am "unemployed", I do not have enough time to deal with all the things I want to deal with. Why is it always like that? Coz when you are unemployed, you are everyones errand girl, you are everyones slave, you hear everyone say "can i ask you a favor?" (and you end up saying, "sure!").

I'm not ranting on those things really, its just that my hopes to put up a new blog was put on the side. I ended up throwing 140 characters (spaces included) on Twitter every 15 seconds. Sometimes, due to time difference, I end up sleeping during live games. Somehow I failed on my aim to practice my writing by pouring my heart out on something I like to do. Its tough being me (a reason that we always hear, right?).

Yet I have been doing writing lessons for kids these days. Wait, change kids to young adults. Its summertime and besides the need to polish my brothers writing, I wanted to gauge my cousins as well. Weeks ago, I asked them to write down five songs that they really like, and later on revealed to them the task at hand. They were fearful when they heard that they had to write. Write a three paragraph review of each song that they picked. I thought it was awesome, they thought otherwise. So I subjected five kids into writing without their permission? What happened afterwards is a nice study/ observation/ experiment for either behavior specialists or psychologists.

The youngest was the only one to accomplish five essays on the prescribed time period. My brother submitted his completed work three days after the prescribed time. My girl cousin finished the first essay right away, the second essay was submitted a day after the needed submission time, and essays 3 to 5 are not yet submitted. My two other cousins did not do anything, sadly.

It is such a hard task to impose writing to kids these days. With all the information on their hands, they do not make use of it by using their minds to analyze information and pour out their opinions about these. They pour out their energy using the internet as a means to play computer games, watch episodes of their favorite shows, and use social networking sites to know what the latest scoop on AI, on show business, or whats the latest emo song. It is tough being older and not seeing them spend their time doodling on paper, reading love stories or detective stories, writing phrases then sentences then essays. It is hard that they do not know how to properly express themselves in writing.

Writing for me is the best means to express oneself, and I do admit that I do get the moods too when writing. In numerous occasion I feel that anything I write does not make sense. It seems like I lack the complete thought or I was not able to equip my essay with words that makes itself understandable to the reader. I too encounter times when I do not feel like I am writing the way I should or that I lack the level of writing that I have put on myself. I always wish to be better, I wish to always improve my writing. But how do I even find out that I want to improve my writing?

BY WRITING, what else?

One of the tips in writing that I kept on telling them was that to know and improve how you write, you must write. There is no other way to know these things but to do it. You have to keep on doing it and have someone read it so you'll know how you fare. Later on you'll get the knack on writing and end up editing your own work because you have practiced it repeatedly. Writing is a trial and error process. Even the best writings can be improved by supplying better words or re-phrasing, whenever the need is there. Not only you exercise your writing skills but you exercise your brain, language skills, analytical skills.

It seems like a dead end task when they don't take things seriously as you do, but I am not giving up. I will think of ways to make them write, to let them understand that polishing their writing skills is important to do now than have their teachers criticize them. Oh Lord have mercy! Please shine the light on them.

Happy Happy Things

Reader,

I would like to apologize for the rants that I've been making. Life isnt miserable, but sometimes, you end up taking note of the bad things.

There are wonderful things thats happening also.

(1) I found a very good service staff already on my cafe/ restaurant trips. They are from a small cafe on the 4th floor of the Galleria called, Ms. Polly's. She was able to convince me to order some cake, though I was starving myself (aka diet). She was really courteous also and was serving us properly. I would like to commend her.

(2) Spring Festival at The ShangriLa until I dont know when. I shouldve watched it last Saturday instead of getting bored and looking for other things to do. movies were interesting, I just cant remember what were the ones i liked to watch. will watch as soon as i can

(3) there's a mini-park two blocks from me. beside the park are coffee shops and a gelato place. awesome! too bad i was jogging that time. where i live is a business district, and even residential condominiums had offices. in each building, there's a food place. when u jog around food places, thats meant for you to only think of food. what is worse is when u pass by the pandesal place and smell fresh pandesal at 4 in the afternoon. how good is that? i love this place!

(4) we went to Tagaytay and found this site:


how exciting! we'll see a house here in hopefully three years. yay!

(5) i am a bum who has 3 jobs right now. awesome!

There are things that make u love life a lot, things that make u cherish and enjoy each thing that happens also. I am slowly finding mine thank God! hope u find ur good vibes too.

-fish tank-

random talking updated

hello world!

i am alive and kicking. yeah! its been a week and a half since i left the land of the free, and ive been feeling like its been forever. time has been slow and ive been gaining weight. ugh! or thats how i feel it to be. my clothes dont say it but my whole body feels like it. i feel like im in this state of calm that i dont really want and need. the only calm i need is passing out after shots. SHOTS!!!

ok. calm down. thats the deprived fish talking.

things have been too calm that ive been to the salon twice in one week, have had 4 massages the past 10 days, and i will be having my dermatology appointment this week. what have i been doing? geez! the past 10 days also included cooking breakfast at 430 am, sleeping at 10pm, and taking a shower for an hour complete with body scrubs, exfoliators, and hair treatments. for the next 48hours, i cannot wash my hair (major ugh!) because my hair has all these harmful chemicals to make it straight and black. u should see my hair, its too nice i cant believe it.

im jobless at this point. bummer. and i have to pay 3K for a cellphone bill that ive accumulated for 10days? wtf? Php1,768 is for Value Added Tax. Php 800 ++ for being stupid and going overboard with my internet bill. i need to hold off tweeting then. efffff!!!

i missed two Ravens games though the last crucial one was a bummer. i will be missing the Orioles fan fest. i will not see Brad Bergesen who might be written in my stars. who knows, right?

my weekends have been bummers. my parents are on my tail too much. bummmmmmmerrrrr. this is getting tiring.

the only positive note is that my brother is as tall as me and we've been poking each other on the side tickling each other. he's the reason i am here.... i think.

smiles everyone, and when u raise your glass and say cheers, think of me. i wanted to drink with u, u know. =D

--- fish tank---

What 2009 Meant to Me

2009 has been a roller coaster of events for me. It was coincidental that 2009 was the year I was 25, that even before I turned exactly 25 I felt like it already. Those times I kept thinking to myself, what is it really to be 25?

2009 was when I tried to fall in love, and failed. I think I fell in love with myself more.

2009 was when I spent a whole lot of hours being cheer-ful. I was cheering for my Orioles and Ravens a lot.

2009 was when I was 25. As what Britney Spears would sing, "I'm Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman". Maybe actually I am a girl who enjoyed life a lot, and a woman who took charge and be responsible of herself.

2009... I had 3 phones. My phone last year got replaced coz it was broken. My replacement pretended it was lost. The replacement#2 is alive but had just lost its back cover. I'm getting an iPhone soon 2010. Weeh!

2009 I have numerous books. Trying to collect all Harry Potter at the same time was one of the reasons (I haven't got 5 &6 yet). Now, it is being shipped to the Philippines arriving on February.

2009 I had iTunes download galore! Every quarter, I had at least $50 spent on iTunes.

2009 was when I watched more TV shows than I usually would. Who would've thought I still watched TV? Thanks to Lost, HIMYM, White Collar, Community, The Office, and of course my guilty pleasure called Glee, for being a part of my TV and internet life (coz I watched most of them on the net). Thanks to MLB, NFL, and tennis for having The Orioles (plus Mets and Yankees), the Ravens, and Roger Federer in my life.

2009 was when I proved to be a sports nut. Orioles @ Camden Yards= 12 games. Orioles @ Yankee Stadium= 1. Mets @ Shea Stadium=1. Orioles @ Nationals Stadium=1. US Open=1.

2009 was when I didn't really look forward too a lot of movies, neither read reviews, but then showed up in the theater a lot. I was either disappointed or happy about some movies.

2009... I dont know how to describe it more.

2010 will be different, a whole lot different you may say, but I will forever cherish 2009.

and 2009, I was emo. hihihi!

future? what future?

i just had one of the most irritating IM's with a friend. ive not talked to her in a while and she asks me why im going back home. i tell her why, and she asks me repeatedly, "are u serious?" or "would u even want to vote for him?" i told her what i was honestly thinking, but i was getting really pissed. then she asks me why im doing this? do i want to be a politician? or to be a president? I said, no, but i'd like to be an appointed official in the future. and she asks, like who? and im like thinking, am i not being appointed so i just have to fit the bill? but later on i thought, i should just get this whole conversation out of my face really. so i replied "dude, i dont need to think about that right now. and thats what im trying to get into (career field). if i want to be selfish, i will do things to make myself get into it and do what i want." she only said OK and didnt talk to me again. I did make my point I guess.

what irritates me is that she wanted me to tell her what my future is and she gives me a judgmental rebuttal. what the heck? for one, I am not telling u what my future is, I am telling u what I want my future will be. Those are my goals im trying to lay out, get that?

oh and its 3am. that makes me not want to talk to u all the more.

Journals

Before I got my Macbook, I was in the mercy of notebooks that has all the stories and thoughts of me back in '06. Thoughts on being in a "strange" place, of missing home, of what I have been doing, of what I want to do, of the last movie I saw, the CD im listening to, so on and so forth. These made me think of how different I have become after all those months (I'd like to say months since years are shorter). What does make people different anyway? That I have to figure out still.

Would you believe that I have three notebooks just for 2006? I'm just throwing that fact.

It's fun reading these things again though. I still have some of my writings back like 10 years ago too, and its fun to read because besides pointing out the differences, you get to know yourself more and the progression in your life (besides the progression in grammar). Its funny though how some of my thoughts are quite the same. Like the little schoolgirl giggles that I do when I write, it still is funny when I read it. It's like reading the a book from the Love Story series.

That's why I keep journals. Handwritten journals, as opposed to blogs allow you to scribble your thoughts as well. Just throw in random words and your curse words, and you're good to go. With blogs, you think about the other people who will be reading it. Handwritten journals are the real you because you are more carefree to write and write down what you are thinking.

I still have a journal, I just don't get to write much on them as I used to. I should start doing that again.

And the countdown begins...

its 31 days before another chapter in my life ends and a new one begins. i sound too cheesy here, but that is the truth. its not that 2010 is the new millennium, or that the number 6 has been instrumental in some of my pivotal moments (because almost 4 years ago, on 3/6/06, is when i started the chapter of the one that im just closing)... it just happened that way.

i cant believe thats how long it was yet it seems like yesterday. or maybe it wasnt really long ago, it wasnt ancient, yet time just moves fast giving us new things to learn, new stuff to deal with, and it just makes us grow and hopefully gain wisdom at each step. its just how life takes us, and we have to deal with it with open arms, open minds, and open hearts. (i love the seeming logic in what im writing, or the subtle philosophy, but i should go ahead and write).

when i come to think about things, i tell myself that i can sales-pitch myself for a good career/project proposal. i can get loans with the words i say, yet deep in me there's still this little voice that says, "i dunno what you're up to, chicken, but i think your words are vague." and that is true. as much as i try to make myself confident that i know what im doing, that im sure what i want, there's always this dark force that makes you doubt if you're even going to make it. im not sure if i have to blame Gemini for this thinking, but thats just how i am. i feel confident on one hand, and i feel anxious about tomorrow on the other. please tell me im normal.

its like that show i was watching though told me. maybe you've just put yourself too much on that pedestal, you've put that bar high that you want to achieve something to be competitive, but at the same time you beat yourself up when u dont feel like you've measured up. maybe sometimes you've got to take it easy and enjoy what life has to give. lets see how i'll put that into practice then.

im emo. leave me alone.

(you were warned. if you read beyond this, dont hold it against me).

oh darn what was i thinking? this was my second failed attempt to write something heartfelt yet here i go again my angst is blown by the wind of winding words because of writing down a warning note on top of this post. *sigh!*

what i wanted to say really was this... i live for the future and not for the past. every little thing i do at present builds for my future. i dont regret decisions that ive made, and i dont hold back decisions for the future because of someone or somebody else. i work to a better future because of me and no one else.

thank you.

the end of a weekend

there are times when i hate Sunday's. Sunday's mean that the weekend is ending and its time for me to get back to my routine. there are times, such as today, when i chill out the whole day and realize that i enjoyed chilling out and this has got to end. why does this have to end?!?!

this weekend was not one of the fabulous weekends. for one, my grandma is leaving in five days and the possibility of me going back home also opened up on my mind again. i don't want to go back home yet i know that i need to and i would have to. while talking to my friend earlier, i got too giddy with her story that i wanted to be home. i wanted to be within that zone that she was talking about. i wanted to see how things unfold in her life myself. its too exciting that it makes you wish that you can warp yourself back home at times, and then be back here.

but life doesn't work that way.

you cannot choose to put your life inside a box and make your own life. you can make it, yes, but then there are some things that you have to sacrifice in order to get what u want. when i decided three years ago that i will live here instead of home, i chose to sacrifice a lot of things in my life. my family, my friends, everything that i lived with my whole life, i sacrificed them all. if i choose to go home by the end of this run, i will be sacrificing all that i have enjoyed during my stay here. family, friends, and all those little things that i get to enjoy every single day. i will miss them all.

i have been opening myself to the possibility of coming home. i don't know what prompted me with this thought, but i guess preparing for some of these possibilities allow you to be ready for what could be and what might be. at least you're wearing a seat belt, you've put your foot on the brakes, and slowed down ahead of time.

clutter free

for the past weeks i have been erasing messages on my email and facebook inbox. it was easy because it wasn't a lot, so i just read through them, digest a bit, and spit out a whole lot before i even erase them. but it was only during the last 20 minutes before i started writing this blog post when i erased a lot of messages from my phone. i erased a lot of crap, but i didnt get to erase more than a handful of them still. why? coz it was in two separate folders on my saved messages. i dont know why i even saved them. it was the good and the bad messages. i dont know why i let them get stuck there.

roller coaster ride

it starts off with a blast. you are drawn at launch. you let yourself lose, you scream, you shout. you put your hands in the air, feeling the euphoria of the ride. then it stops, a sudden stop, then it launches you back into another loop.

then next thing you know, it is done.

and when its done, you get this sigh of relief. its made to end.

writing hiatus

im blank. ive been blank since who knows when. i feel useless and do not make sense at all. all ive been doing is breath fresh air, watch TV, and eat sweets (not to mention the bounty of other food thats been keeping me screaming at myself every time i check the scale). ah madness! there are a lot of madness in life, like my upcoming finals week which means deadlines and projects week also. there are a lot of life changes too. its crazy. truly.

plus, im hitting the quarter life. 25 in two weeks. grreat! what have i done (and havent done) in the past 25 years? never too late for anything, anyway.

i feel slightly old yet i never feared being old. i never dreaded my birthday coming up. i never feared that i am adding another number. i feel blessed instead because God has given me the chance to do something more with my life. i hope i am able to do more, and i hope He gives me more time to do so. though there are times that i get crazy and talk trash about life because i was being stupid and reckless, i wake up every morning knowing that i have the chance to get the "life eraser" and pencil out a new detail. there might be specks of dust and writings all over the paper, but i know that i can draw a heavy line to write my new detail.

im being confusing, am i not? oh well! now i shall get back to my original programming.

btw, check out this app called Stick Wars. i usually dont buy apps but this was crazy. stick figures dying with blood splatters, awesome! teeheehee! =D

and i quote...

 "its too much baggage, but that is one baggage you do not want to get rid off... its like after being in a relationship that did not end properly" (on hang-ups and excess "emotional" baggage)

4/2

today is April 2nd, 2009. i usually take note of it when it hits this day because for some reason, this date got stuck to me. i dont know what this date means though. it was the date for our High School Prom, and the Senior Ball, both events was left on the recesses of my brain, but other than that, i know there's something else to it... i just cannot figure out properly... hmmm....

maybe, like the Prom and the Ball events, its on the recesses of my brain as well.

or vice versa

 "we are in the midst of feeling old while really young."

--- me =D

who is the real marge?

being a gemini, there are two sides to a marge. right now she just realized that the gemini twins castor and pollux suddenly had a new image: a giggly school girl, and future marge. sometimes giggly school girl comes by and jumps around, but devious future marge trips giggly marge and lets her fall on her face.

but where is real-time marge? i dunno. i guess she is a figment of everyone's imagination.